I'd be happier if.... I could give up work and travel the world, stopping off for a year at a time in all those far flung places I've dreamed of.
I'm at my best when.... I'm surrounded by those I love and care for. Doing nothing glamorous or adventurous - just chilling, laughing, reminiscing and sharing time.
Those closest to me would describe me as.... (I asked friends for this answer) Daft, Lazy...!! Flirty, Generous and loyal ( I'n not that lazy...I'm just not into gyms & pounding pavements)
One thing about my past I don't admit easily.... I was a stupid, blind, needy idiot for too many years.
Apart from my family 3 things I'd want on a desert island are.... My ipod, vitamin E lip salve and Jane Austin books.
One thing I'd like to do before I die..... Live in a beach front home.
If I advertised myself on a dating site it would read.... Titian haired pocket rocket with a zest for life seeks a taller than me gorgeous god, for walks along the beach and frolics in the dunes.
The thing I like least about myself.... My determined Independence
My fantasy dinner date..... Adam Sandler... ooohhh how I'd love to eat anything with him.
The thing I value the most is.... My daughters (every time) Their love in unconditional
My biggest regret.... That I was a stupid, blind, needy idiot for too many years. And I spent too many years being the cliched doormat...lol
Quickies:
I often experience strong irresistible cravings I can't resist..... Always
I make lists to ensure I get everything done.... Always
Friends would describe me as ambitious..... No
I find it easy to hide my true feelings.... Always
Sunday, 12 July 2009
Saturday, 11 July 2009
Diary of disasters - relationships
I'm so pleased that I can look back on my relationship history and cry - with laughter. If I couldn't then I would more than likely end up rocking back and forth in a darkened room.
I look at friends and their other halves and wonder why the peaceful 'normal' lives they lead has never been granted to me. I've never had a normal relationship.
I'm not high maintenance, petulant, domineering or a diva, so I'm obviously just a magnet for low life's, Lotharios and lunatics. I adore the simply things in life....peace, quiet, sunny days and laughter. I'm not a head case who likes drama and intrigue, but you would think I am by the men I end up with.....
Husband - My longest torment (nearly 18 years) was also the biggest, but I don't dwell on that. I'm not writing this to 'man bash' & that door remains firmly closed. That's all I have to say about that one.
I didn't leave my marriage and instantly think of new relationships and being loved up with Mr Perfect. I spent the first 18 months happily single, sorting my head and my life. It was a time for exploring and experiences, meeting new friends, fun and plenty of laughter.
18 months almost to the day of my divorce I went to a wedding. It wasn't a lavish do, but it was an amazing day. Two of my closest friends who had played together in the park as kids had met up again some 30 years later and instantly fallen in heady, lusty love. We all smiled as they said 'I do' and rushed off to the nearest pub for some booze and wedding cake.
I saw him the moment I walked into the room. He was stood at the bar - he turned, we smiled, we were in the zone.
I remember practically knocking my friend off the chair she was about to sit on as the others would have made it impossible for me to see him. He was sat with a group of men on a table opposite mine. I whispered to friends "Who's the man over there wearing the grey suit... do you know him?" They all replied "No idea... why?"... Why indeed, I fancied the pants off him...!
It took us all of half an hour to speak to each other. He got up to go to the bar and looked at me as he went by, so I took my chance and followed him. From then on we were inseparable.
We became a part of each others lives. It was full on love: heart stopping, tummy fluttering pure love......thank you cupid.
He was a Conveyancer who worked for a national building company, the head office of which was in my home town. He originated from a small town some 150 miles away and rented a flat near to his work. He said, before he met me he used to go 'home' every weekend and used the flat as a Monday to Friday bolt hole. After he met me he just used to go home for one day every weekend to see his children from his previous marriage.
Months went by, I met his friends and work colleagues, he became part of my family and spent a lot of time with my friends. We all adored him. He was gorgeous, had the twinkliest eyes ever and was so much fun.
" You are so lucky" my friends would say, I thought I was to.
Nearly a year of bliss and we began to talk of a future. Buying a place together, holidays abroad...life and the luck of us finding a true soul mate. I felt like I was the happiest person on earth. When he wasn't with me he would ring me, I would hear his kids in the background and he'd say, I really want you to meet them, they'll love you.
One night, cuddled up on the sofa, eating pizza and drinking wine there was a knock at the door. I begrudgingly left the comfort of his body and answered it.
My life changed.
Standing on the outside of my home was a woman. She looked so angry, her shoulders were tense and she was shaking. She asked to see *James. While calling for him, I opened the door further and ushered her in.
She was his wife...!
I remember staring at them in disbelief and the conversation they were having didn't make any sense. She guessed I had no idea and she was very right. I had been having a relationship with a married man.
After she left I asked him to go. He hadn't followed her but instead wanted to stay with me to explain - Why he wasn't running after her, his wife, trying to explain I'll never know.
I didn't wanted to hear the cliched stories of his unhappy marriage and how he loved me - I felt too sick to listen.
Over the weeks messages on my answerphone and text messages came through daily. He didn't love her: They had been living almost separately for years because of his work, and had grown apart: Meeting me had made him realise it was over between them: He was only staying married to her because of his children: He hadn't had sex with her since meeting me. My only reply.. Well your wife obviously thought she was still married to you, so you must have been a good liar to her too.
I felt like death warmed up, I couldn't stop thinking of how I had fallen for a married man and his lies. Friends tried to reassure me that he had given nothing away and that they hadn't had a clue either. The only people who knew were his friends and the people he worked with. When he took me to his works Christmas function everyone was instructed not to mention his wife - well they did good...! I was caught hook, line and sinker and they had me fooled.
The next chapter....
After the momentous disaster that was James I picked up my single life and thanked the lord that I hadn't sold my home to move in with him..... Thinking of things like that were a true blessing.
One blissfully hot day in July, 6 months after *James I went along to a BBQ with a friend. She was meeting her old Uni friends. It was an annual event and they took turns meeting at each others homes. That year it was to be held in Bristol.
I mingled with her friends, ate gorgeous food and drank plenty of wine... *hic* and got chatting to a nice man called Dean*. He was a Londoner, a real Sarf London lad. He wasn't one of the Uni friends but had gone along to the BBQ with a friend. We were kindred spirits. I learnt that he was a builder and also a drummer and that he was a session musician and played in many gigs in Camden and around the Capital. I was enthralled, listening to his tales of life as a drummer, the bands he'd played with and records he'd performed on. We exchanged numbers and he said that he'd like for me to be at his next gig in London..... I could stay at his Sisters - He was a real gent... I liked him.
True to his word I stayed at his sisters and went to see him play. He looked good and had many a female groupie swooning over his gorgeous guns....Mmmmm lucky me :o)
From then on our relationship grew. Long distance relationships are never easy but we both enjoyed leaving work on a Friday to head for the train station. We used to spend alternate weekends in each others homes ( his schedule dependent) London weekends were manic, gigs and parties all the way, his time in Devon was much more sedate but he enjoyed it.
He lived in a swanky apartment by Waterloo Bridge - Why I never questioned how a builder could afford a place like it I'll never know.
After 6 months of trekking back and forth he started to talk about him selling up and moving to Devon - he'd had enough of London life and wanted to spend more time with me. I was flattered but told him not to rush anything. Did I subconsciously have doubts..!?!
An 'event' happened that Christmas which made me get to know the real Dean*. He was to spend Christmas with me and I was to go to London with him for New Year. Christmas day was lovely, a quiet family day... eating far too much and playing board games. Then Boxing day arrived and the world woke to bad news...
The Tsunami had happened. My ex husband was in Thailand and hadn't called his daughters over Christmas as expected. When the news first hit and the numbers of the dead were small we weren't unduly concerned. My daughters however tried to ring their Dad on his mobile... no answer... but hey.. communication lines would have been down. By the afternoon his family started to panic and asked if I would ring the Foreign Office help number. From that moment my ex was on the missing persons register.
The F.O contacted us to say that he had not appeared on any of the survivors lists and his bank account had not been used since Christmas Eve. They were assigning us a Police Family Liaison Officer.
I'm not going to document the hell which followed concerning my ex and daughters.... that's too private. But I will continue the Dean* saga.
A telephone call from the Metropolitan Police informed us that two Family Liaison Officers would be arriving on the 1st January. They would be a help and support to us all until...well until he was either found alive or until we needed for them not to be there. They would be there for many months if it was needed.
I told Dean that I couldn't go back to London with him as the F.L.O's were arriving and he promptly went into the bedroom and began packing his things. As he left he said "I'll explain later" he kissed me on the forehead and left.
True to his word he phoned......He sounded edgy "Is anyone there with you..?" "The girls were in their rooms but otherwise yes, I was alone... why?"
He then began to tell me of armed robbery and drug dealing... time spent in 'The Scrubs' and a sordid life of violent crime. I thought at first that he must have been making it up... but no, unfortunately not. I had been dating a real life gangster and bad boy of the highest degree. I wasn't given specifics, as in dates and places, but the gruesome detail was there. He had two identities.... well that's a shock I thought. What he meant was that he had two Id's, two names - I asked if I had known the 'real' Dean and he said No, I won't tell you my real name. Now wasn't that nice of him.
I never spoke to him again.. although I did receive a text message from him wishing us all the best when he heard that my ex had been found on the 18th January. I've often wondered if I would have ever found out the truth, would he have told me?
To think, I could have been an unknowing Gangsters Moll.......
From that day I've been single...lol.. and people ask why. My reply is always, because I like living a quiet life.
* names have been changed....lol
I look at friends and their other halves and wonder why the peaceful 'normal' lives they lead has never been granted to me. I've never had a normal relationship.
I'm not high maintenance, petulant, domineering or a diva, so I'm obviously just a magnet for low life's, Lotharios and lunatics. I adore the simply things in life....peace, quiet, sunny days and laughter. I'm not a head case who likes drama and intrigue, but you would think I am by the men I end up with.....
Husband - My longest torment (nearly 18 years) was also the biggest, but I don't dwell on that. I'm not writing this to 'man bash' & that door remains firmly closed. That's all I have to say about that one.
I didn't leave my marriage and instantly think of new relationships and being loved up with Mr Perfect. I spent the first 18 months happily single, sorting my head and my life. It was a time for exploring and experiences, meeting new friends, fun and plenty of laughter.
18 months almost to the day of my divorce I went to a wedding. It wasn't a lavish do, but it was an amazing day. Two of my closest friends who had played together in the park as kids had met up again some 30 years later and instantly fallen in heady, lusty love. We all smiled as they said 'I do' and rushed off to the nearest pub for some booze and wedding cake.
I saw him the moment I walked into the room. He was stood at the bar - he turned, we smiled, we were in the zone.
I remember practically knocking my friend off the chair she was about to sit on as the others would have made it impossible for me to see him. He was sat with a group of men on a table opposite mine. I whispered to friends "Who's the man over there wearing the grey suit... do you know him?" They all replied "No idea... why?"... Why indeed, I fancied the pants off him...!
It took us all of half an hour to speak to each other. He got up to go to the bar and looked at me as he went by, so I took my chance and followed him. From then on we were inseparable.
We became a part of each others lives. It was full on love: heart stopping, tummy fluttering pure love......thank you cupid.
He was a Conveyancer who worked for a national building company, the head office of which was in my home town. He originated from a small town some 150 miles away and rented a flat near to his work. He said, before he met me he used to go 'home' every weekend and used the flat as a Monday to Friday bolt hole. After he met me he just used to go home for one day every weekend to see his children from his previous marriage.
Months went by, I met his friends and work colleagues, he became part of my family and spent a lot of time with my friends. We all adored him. He was gorgeous, had the twinkliest eyes ever and was so much fun.
" You are so lucky" my friends would say, I thought I was to.
Nearly a year of bliss and we began to talk of a future. Buying a place together, holidays abroad...life and the luck of us finding a true soul mate. I felt like I was the happiest person on earth. When he wasn't with me he would ring me, I would hear his kids in the background and he'd say, I really want you to meet them, they'll love you.
One night, cuddled up on the sofa, eating pizza and drinking wine there was a knock at the door. I begrudgingly left the comfort of his body and answered it.
My life changed.
Standing on the outside of my home was a woman. She looked so angry, her shoulders were tense and she was shaking. She asked to see *James. While calling for him, I opened the door further and ushered her in.
She was his wife...!
I remember staring at them in disbelief and the conversation they were having didn't make any sense. She guessed I had no idea and she was very right. I had been having a relationship with a married man.
After she left I asked him to go. He hadn't followed her but instead wanted to stay with me to explain - Why he wasn't running after her, his wife, trying to explain I'll never know.
I didn't wanted to hear the cliched stories of his unhappy marriage and how he loved me - I felt too sick to listen.
Over the weeks messages on my answerphone and text messages came through daily. He didn't love her: They had been living almost separately for years because of his work, and had grown apart: Meeting me had made him realise it was over between them: He was only staying married to her because of his children: He hadn't had sex with her since meeting me. My only reply.. Well your wife obviously thought she was still married to you, so you must have been a good liar to her too.
I felt like death warmed up, I couldn't stop thinking of how I had fallen for a married man and his lies. Friends tried to reassure me that he had given nothing away and that they hadn't had a clue either. The only people who knew were his friends and the people he worked with. When he took me to his works Christmas function everyone was instructed not to mention his wife - well they did good...! I was caught hook, line and sinker and they had me fooled.
The next chapter....
After the momentous disaster that was James I picked up my single life and thanked the lord that I hadn't sold my home to move in with him..... Thinking of things like that were a true blessing.
One blissfully hot day in July, 6 months after *James I went along to a BBQ with a friend. She was meeting her old Uni friends. It was an annual event and they took turns meeting at each others homes. That year it was to be held in Bristol.
I mingled with her friends, ate gorgeous food and drank plenty of wine... *hic* and got chatting to a nice man called Dean*. He was a Londoner, a real Sarf London lad. He wasn't one of the Uni friends but had gone along to the BBQ with a friend. We were kindred spirits. I learnt that he was a builder and also a drummer and that he was a session musician and played in many gigs in Camden and around the Capital. I was enthralled, listening to his tales of life as a drummer, the bands he'd played with and records he'd performed on. We exchanged numbers and he said that he'd like for me to be at his next gig in London..... I could stay at his Sisters - He was a real gent... I liked him.
True to his word I stayed at his sisters and went to see him play. He looked good and had many a female groupie swooning over his gorgeous guns....Mmmmm lucky me :o)
From then on our relationship grew. Long distance relationships are never easy but we both enjoyed leaving work on a Friday to head for the train station. We used to spend alternate weekends in each others homes ( his schedule dependent) London weekends were manic, gigs and parties all the way, his time in Devon was much more sedate but he enjoyed it.
He lived in a swanky apartment by Waterloo Bridge - Why I never questioned how a builder could afford a place like it I'll never know.
After 6 months of trekking back and forth he started to talk about him selling up and moving to Devon - he'd had enough of London life and wanted to spend more time with me. I was flattered but told him not to rush anything. Did I subconsciously have doubts..!?!
An 'event' happened that Christmas which made me get to know the real Dean*. He was to spend Christmas with me and I was to go to London with him for New Year. Christmas day was lovely, a quiet family day... eating far too much and playing board games. Then Boxing day arrived and the world woke to bad news...
The Tsunami had happened. My ex husband was in Thailand and hadn't called his daughters over Christmas as expected. When the news first hit and the numbers of the dead were small we weren't unduly concerned. My daughters however tried to ring their Dad on his mobile... no answer... but hey.. communication lines would have been down. By the afternoon his family started to panic and asked if I would ring the Foreign Office help number. From that moment my ex was on the missing persons register.
The F.O contacted us to say that he had not appeared on any of the survivors lists and his bank account had not been used since Christmas Eve. They were assigning us a Police Family Liaison Officer.
I'm not going to document the hell which followed concerning my ex and daughters.... that's too private. But I will continue the Dean* saga.
A telephone call from the Metropolitan Police informed us that two Family Liaison Officers would be arriving on the 1st January. They would be a help and support to us all until...well until he was either found alive or until we needed for them not to be there. They would be there for many months if it was needed.
I told Dean that I couldn't go back to London with him as the F.L.O's were arriving and he promptly went into the bedroom and began packing his things. As he left he said "I'll explain later" he kissed me on the forehead and left.
True to his word he phoned......He sounded edgy "Is anyone there with you..?" "The girls were in their rooms but otherwise yes, I was alone... why?"
He then began to tell me of armed robbery and drug dealing... time spent in 'The Scrubs' and a sordid life of violent crime. I thought at first that he must have been making it up... but no, unfortunately not. I had been dating a real life gangster and bad boy of the highest degree. I wasn't given specifics, as in dates and places, but the gruesome detail was there. He had two identities.... well that's a shock I thought. What he meant was that he had two Id's, two names - I asked if I had known the 'real' Dean and he said No, I won't tell you my real name. Now wasn't that nice of him.
I never spoke to him again.. although I did receive a text message from him wishing us all the best when he heard that my ex had been found on the 18th January. I've often wondered if I would have ever found out the truth, would he have told me?
To think, I could have been an unknowing Gangsters Moll.......
From that day I've been single...lol.. and people ask why. My reply is always, because I like living a quiet life.
* names have been changed....lol
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