Following on......The Diary

Am I single because I'm afraid of being abandoned or afraid of abandoning myself to love ?

I found an old diary a few weeks a go. While cleaning in the dark recesses of my bedroom, I came across a box, my memory box. It's full of table place cards with my name embossed on them, tickets stubs, bit's of ribbon and other assorted flotsam. Deep in the bottom was the little blue book I hadn't looked at for 8 years.

I wrote it during the time of my separation and divorce from my then husband. Once opened I had to read all 365 pages, some hysterically happy (perhaps too much so) some bitterly tragic, and others, well, they left me feeling so sad - could I have really reached those lows.

Millennium night - The dawning of a new age and cause for much celebration around the world, was by stark contrast, the most agonising night of my life. I spent it staring at the TV with my daughter who was 11 at the time. I was numb and distraught.

Two days before I had found out that my husband was 'in-love' with another woman. I remember feeling physically sick and thought I was going to die of a broken heart when he told me. Every bone and muscle in my body hurt, my head thumped in agony. Looking after my daughters was a non starter and for a few days I believe they looked after me. They were dark, dark days filled with a strange grief that can never really be put into words. I lived on cigarettes and coffee, and spent the next year with a mix of emotions, somedays good, somedays bad and others....I just lived them.

Had I done the right thing? I'd packed his bags you see. I'd shown him the door and closed it on our 17 year marriage. He wanted to 'have his cake and eat it'. I blamed myself, I hated him. The non violent loving wife and mother I had been, wanted to strangle the woman who had helped to destroy our lives. Such a mix of emotions, so alien.

I could have stood my ground, begged for him to end it with her, promised to be sexier, more devoted, more loving..... anything he wanted me to be. But I couldn't. I didn't want him anymore.

A lot of people may wonder why, after being the one who ultimately made the decision to end us did I feel so wretched. I suppose it was because the decision was only made because of someone elses actions. I didn't really have any control of my life. I couldn't become the detective wife, checking pockets and bank statements: always questioning. I also didn't now whether I was still 'in love' with him. Was the affair just a symptom of an already broken marriage?

The divorce was finalised in January 2001, just one year after the initial heartbreak. The Decree Absolute was nothing to celebrate, but it was a fresh start for me. The year before had been my learning curve and I remember thinking that I would never feel that low again.

Have I carried that to the extreme? I don't know is the only answer I can give. I haven't not been out on dates, met men... I've even had a brief relationship with someone totally unsuitable and numerous years younger - I've been a cliched divorcee.

I'm now settled, still single and not necessarily looking for a relationship - no Dating Websites or Lonely Hearts Ads for me. I'm content with myself. But I still cant answer the question I asked above - Am I single because I'm afraid of being abandoned or afraid of abandoning myself to love ?

I've been for many years 'over' the marriage and break-up. I stopped even liking the man I had once loved. I saw his true colours during the year of our divorce. His new relationship ended just after our divorce was finalised and he sent me flowers, with a note saying "please forgive" - They went in the dustbin and the note isn't kept in my memory box. I felt nothing when I received them... not elated, not smug...just a nothingness.

Would it harm me to continue feeling that nothingness about any other man?